" enatic instinct is a big , fat lie . It ’s all trial and error . Yes , I recognize what my girl needs better than anyone else , but it ’s not because of instinct . It ’s because I spend the most time with her . "
Motherhood is often described in glowing terms — magical, joyful, the ultimate fulfillment. But too often, the harder, messier realities are left out of the conversation. The truth is, while raising a child can be beautiful, it can also be exhausting, overwhelming, and isolating — and women are still expected to navigate it all with a smile.
To open up a more honest conversation, weasked momsin theBuzzFeed Community— inspired byu/Stranger_not_danger’squestion, “What is a lie about motherhood that you want to warn future mothers about?” on Reddit — to share the biggest myths they wish someone had warned them about before motherhood.
Here, 26 women share their raw, real experiences — offering the kind of truths that future (and current) parents deserve to hear:
1.“Many new parents wonder where their friends went after the baby is born. They’re still there, butyoumust also put in the effort to maintain the relationship. They know they’re second to your baby, but everyone will eventually give up if their effort is never responded to or reciprocated. If they’re child-free, they may not know what you want — so you have to show or tell them.”
2.“No, it won’t be all joy! That is the biggest lie other mothers tell. You are going to feel the highest highs and lowest lows as a mom. It brings out the most intense feelings in you. When things get rough, remember that feelings have an expiration date and you will feel joy again. Hang in there, no matter how hard it is to believe.”
" The meter goes by quickly . In no meter , they ’ll be borrowing your car . "
— uranium / JennieFairplay
3.“I didn’t like being told moms can’t be sick when I was really sick. That made me mad. But I got through it, and I was a single mom, all alone. I know we get the good, the bad, and the ugly.”
4.“If crying it out works for you, do it. There is no shame in parenting that way. You don’t have to answer to someone else’s every movement. Babies will learn to soothe themselves, and you will learn to tell the difference between crying because they really need you and just want you.”
— janeslane
5.“If I were to tell someone who’s thinking about becoming a mom, I’d say it’s not all roses. It’s a lot of hard work, 24/7, and yes, having and raising children can put you into therapy sometimes. Nothing in life is perfect.”
— ivylamb
6.“You will never not be tired. My youngest didn’t sleep through the night until she was 8 years old. Eight years of waking up during the night. Eight. Years. That messes you up big time.”
7.“People don’t prepare you for how hard the newborn stage is — and specifically, howangryyou can feel during it. My husband and I are kind, patient people, and we felt so guilty. Our son cried constantly. We were sleep-deprived, overwhelmed, and frustrated. I love him more than words, and feeling anger when he cried made me feel like the worst person in the world. We figured it out and were always gentle with him. But I wish someone had told us that feeling overwhelmed is normal — and that it’s OK to put the baby in a crib and step away to breathe.”
" The patience and self - awareness required to promote a tiddler is artificial . Everyone could benefit from find out those techniques . It should be part of parenting classes . "
— cheesemonster
8.“That you must sacrifice every single bit of your body, time, and soul for your children. If breastfeeding is literally and figuratively sucking the life out of you, you hate it, and it upsets you, then stop! Formula has kept babies alive for decades. If you’re at your wit’s end and are about to break down, it’s okay to lay baby down safely in the crib and walk away for a moment to catch your breath. Do what works best for you.You have to put your own oxygen mask on before helping others.A mentally well, happy mom is best for a healthy, happy baby.”
9.“When my sister had her baby, the lactation ‘expert’ was an asshole. She kept insisting my sister breastfeed, but my niece wasn’t getting enough and was always crying. Finally, one night her husband made a bottle with formula, took my niece, fed her, and told my sister not to speak to the woman again. My sister was relieved. When I had my son four months later, my milk wouldn’t come in. The nurse asked if I had my heart set on breastfeeding. I said no. She walked out, got him a bottle of formula, and that was that. No woman should be forced to breastfeed if she either can’t or just doesn’t want to. It’s no one’s business how a mom feeds her baby.”
— ropre
10.“Sometimes you don’t immediately love your kid. When they placed my kiddo on my chest, it was weird. It took a couple of days before I reconciled that this squirming, loud person was the one I carried for months. I love my kiddo more now than I did then —aftergetting to know them. That’s OK. It’s not always that instantly perfect love where nothing else matters. Sometimes it takes time.”
11.“Maternal instinct is a big, fat lie. It’s all trial and error. Yes, of course I know what my daughter needs better than anyone else — but it’s not because of instinct. It’s because I spend the most time with her. When she was an infant, I was usually wrong about what she needed — until I tried everything else and eventually hit the right thing.”
— izabellad
12.“One time I shared that I was thankful my husband and I switch days on weekends, where he lets me sleep in and watches our daughter — and my MIL told me it wasn’t fair I ‘made’ him take care of our child because he works full time. I said, ‘Oh, since my job (full-time mom, zero help or breaks except on weekends) doesn’t pay, it doesn’t matter?’ I shared this on a forum and people were bullying the hell out of me, saying it was my fault because I alone chose to become a parent — as if my husband had no involvement. They told me motherhood isn’t a job, isn’t hard. Basically, that I’m a POS for wanting to catch up on sleep sometimes.”
13.“I ended up giving birth at a different hospital than planned, with a completely different medical team than I’d seen during pregnancy. They were awful — completely lacking in compassion — and my birth experience was traumatic and miserable. I was surprised to find out how common that is. Wehaveto do better for our mothers.”
— srahs
14.“They don’t tell you that when you birth your child, it won’t necessarily be a magical and happy moment the way the movies make it out to be. I was miserable. Yes, I felt sudden relief from all the pressure and pain, but I was also horribly shocked about what happened to me. I didn’t feel happy; I felt traumatized and terrified. I was only happy that my baby was okay; otherwise, I felt beyond messed up and dazed.”
" For a long clip , I felt like a uncollectible mom for not being over the moonshine with joyousness . But it ’s normal to feel that way , and there ’s nothing wrong with it . Birthistraumatizing for a fate of woman . "
— u / SmuttyFang
15.“One thing I don’t see mentioned enough is that every pregnancy is different. Just because the first was wonderful or horrible doesn’t mean the second will be. Just as every kid is different, so is every pregnancy — and your reaction to each one.”
16.“Two kids is not two times harder than one — it’s about 3.5 times harder. Instead of two parents to one kid, now you’ve got two parents, one helpless infant and one jealous toddler/preschooler. That first year with both almost broke me. Our first was relatively easy — a good sleeper — which lulled us into a false sense of security. Our second? Wouldn’t nap. Didn’t sleep through the night consistently until he was 2. Chaos incarnate. He’s also the sweetest, most affectionate child and absolutely brilliant. I don’t regret him at all. But when people ask about having kids, I always say: Anyone who wants a kid should have one — butreally, reallythink hard before having a second.”
" I was tell . I did n’t listen . "
— k402e21627
— katmode
TheNational Alliance on Mental Illnesshelpline is 1-888-950-6264 (NAMI) and provides information and referral services;GoodTherapy.orgis an association of mental health professionals from more than 25 countries who support efforts to reduce harm in therapy.
18.“You have to be ready for whatever child you end up with — and that may not be what you expect. I love my kiddos to pieces, but they’re both neurodivergent. That means extra school meetings, time and expense for OT, speech therapy, psychologist visits — you name it. Being a parent means being ready forwhateverbattles your child will face. And it’s rarely what you think it’ll be.”
19.“They don’t tell you that disciplining your child is harder than it seems. It is very easy to spoil your kid (especially if you have the means) and even easier towantto spoil the fuck out of them — to buy them everything they want, whether it’s because you love them or because they won’t stop crying. It’s also easy to want to blame another person for your child’s mistakes. You might even catch yourself mid-argument, realizing thatyour childwas actually in the wrong.”
" This all becomes even more lawful when you ’re a stepparent . You want to be the ideal parent and get along with your stepchild , or at least go for they take some like toward you . You ’ll inevitably have to buy them something at some point , but it ’s light to want to lavish them with your money to strain to win their favor . It ’s an easy trap to get caught in . I do n’t recognise why so few people talk about this . "
— uracil / qqvxii
20.“This is going to make me sound awful, but sometimes you won’t like who your kids turn out to be — and it won’t matter what you did. My son is selfish, manipulative, and entitled. I fought hard against that. I tried to teach him to be decent and to think of others. But his father undercut me at every turn. That broke me. I realized this kid had manipulated everyone to the point where our mental health was wrecked — just so he could get what he wanted. In the end, I made the difficult decision to let him live with his dad. I still see and speak to him, but there’s little left of the values I tried to instill.”
" If I said no , he ’d die hard to Dad , who would either give it to him or call to call for why not . And God foreclose I punished him . Then he faked an wipe out disorder and made a horrible accusal toward my pardner ( which did n’t bechance — my daughter was there ) .
I ’m not thoroughgoing . But I essay . He used to be a good tyke , and that ’s what bring in this so much harder . But finally , they will be who they want to be . And nothing you do will change that . "
— redpandasforthewin
21.“Motherhood was hard — and it still is. There were good moments, but they seemed few and far between. At every stage of my son’s development, there was some challenge. It didn’t have to be major, but there was always some obstacle to overcome. He’s 20 now, and I’m still assisting him with obstacles — which I don’t mind. When I talk to other parents with young adult children, we can relate in some way. That makes me feel good, knowing I’m not alone.”
— nscott823
22.“Don’t have children unless you are potentially ready to do it alone. Shit happens. The family leaves; people are abusive. Ultimately, you need to be aware that you may not be just a single parent but asoloparent. Don’t become a parent unless you understand that there is a chance life may make you a solo parent. No matter how much you prepare, it can happen. It has made me regret motherhood. Being a solo parent —without helpfrom babysitters, aunties, uncles, grandmas, friends, and family — is hard. It is exhausting.”
23.“That it’s all joy, happiness, sunshine, and the best thing ever. I saw a friend on Facebook asking others' opinions on having kids, since she wasn’t sure. So many people were like, ‘It’s the best feeling ever, and there’s so much joy!’ No one told her that it would also likely strain her marriage because of the extreme changes the first year after having a baby; that she would feel exhausted; that as the child grew, they would still demand a lot of her time and attention; that she would lose the freedom to do whatever, whenever; that she’d have to make sure she found a sitter to have dates. No one told her the reality. They only tried to sell her on the dream, and I know damn well they all had the downside experiences, too.”
" I always wanted to be a female parent . I love my Word and have no regrets . I never doubt want him . While there is felicity and joy , those are not the only touch sensation you ’ll have . Society render to deceive women into motherhood by make it seem only rewarding and amazing . It can be — but it can also be soul - sucking and isolating , and no one admits that enough . "
— uracil / shanbie _
24.“Traditionally, being ‘selfless’ has been the highest compliment a mother can receive, and it’s a big, fat lie. When the epitome of motherhood and womanhood is losing one’s self completely, embracing this model of selflessness only teaches our children — especially girls — to do the same. We are better mothers, leaders, and teachers when we model boundaries, self-care, and self-respect. A great deal of unavoidable sacrifice is involved in being an attentive mom (especially in the infancy and toddler phases), but it shouldn’t define a mother beyond that. It reminds me of the Jungian quote, ‘The greatest burden a child must bear is the unlived life of the parents.'”
25.“That motherhood is your identity. Don’t forget who you were before you had a baby. That person still deserves her dreams, ambitions, and experiences.”
— uranium / BarbarianFoxQueen
26.“You don’t eventually ‘bounce back’ — and it’s deeper than the physical. It’s hard to explain how much you change: physically, mentally, emotionally. Your identity, your priorities, your anxiety triggers — everything shifts. You won’t go back to your old self. You become a new version of you. That’s not a bad thing, but you should be prepared. People ask how long it took me to bounce back — because I’m in good shape again — and I tell them the truth: You don’t.”
— kanelflixka
TheNational Alliance on Mental Illnesshelpline is 1 - 888 - 950 - 6264 ( NAMI ) and provide info and referral services;GoodTherapy.orgis an association of mental wellness professional from more than 25 countries who support efforts to reduce harm in therapy .
