" As a HAPPILY married woman I can STILL say … you’re not wrong . "
Fromattackson reproductive rights to a rise in young menmovingto the alt-right, I can’t help but feel uneasy for women right now.
If you’ve kept up with online chatter or are deep in the conversations yourself, you might be in tune with the growing political divide between men and women. Last year, researchersfoundthat globally, women are growing more progressive and young men are moving more conservative. In response, movements like South Korea’s4B movement— where women reject marriage, dating, sex, and childbearing with men altogether — have gained traction.
I mean, I can’t blame them. As"the broligarchy" takes hold and actively fosters a culture where men think the likes ofAndrew Tateare OK, this is the kind of conversation that’s popping up on my timeline as of late. Dark stuff, indeed.
At the same time, there’s a rise in influencers promoting “soft life” aesthetics and"trad-wife"ideals that embrace traditional, domestic gender roles, where the women are often seen cooking, caring for babies, having expensive, carefully curated homes and clothes, and generally not working outside of the house.
One voice cutting through the noise is MJ, known as@texasgardenfairyon TikTok. In a viralvideothat over 1.5 million people have seen, she delivered a searing message: “Please don’t get married.”
In her video, MJ pleaded with women not to get married, not out of cynicism, but out of a historical and social understanding of what marriage has traditionally meant for women: “Marriage was the act of making women property. Marriage was the way of exchanging women as property. Marriage was the property transfer of a woman between her father and her husband, regardless of how you feel about it,” she said.
MJ argued that thedrop in birthand marriage rates, which conservatives oftenframeas a crisis, is actually a sign of progress: Women are making choices for themselves. “The reason why you’re seeing marriage rates and birth rates decline is because, for the first time in human history, women have had more agency than we’ve ever had on whether or not we get married, married in the first place, and whether or not we decide to have children,” she said.
“There is a reason why women have been socially conditioned into believing that if we don’t have children, or if we’re not married, or a man didn’t choose us, that’s, like, the biggest insult to our identity or our value as human beings,” MJ continued, nodding to the fact that patriarchal norms instill fear that women are not worthy or not wanted without marriage or children.
“I personally disagree with the entire construct of marriage. I believe that marriage signifies the ownership of women, and I disagree with it as a concept, as a whole,” she said.
MJ explained that she has no intention of getting married or having kids. And she doesn’t see that as a loss, but as liberation. “I relish in the idea of being single. I do not want to have any children. And I relish in the idea that for the first time, I’m one of the first generations of women who have the freedom to not participate in any of those things,” she explained.
MJ made it clear that she thinks that, generally, women should avoid getting married and having children as a default. “I think if you are even remotely on the fence about any of those concepts, you need to avoid it. Marriage benefits men, and having children benefits the patriarchy,” she said.
“Marriage is a huge deal, and especially as a woman, if you are at all on the fence about getting married, you need to not get married,” MJ continued in her video.
MJ also called out “soft life” content that sometimes glamorizes financial dependence on men. “Fuck the ‘soft life’ shit. Fuck the not doing anything with your life. Fuck not making your own money. You need to make your own money. That is a privilege. That is a blessing that you live in a time where you can make your own money and you can make something out of your own life,” she said.
“Do not trade this privilege that women have fought for for a G-Wagon or for trips to Erewhon. You are worth so much more than that. Your life is worth so much more than that,” she continued.
" If you marry a plentiful man , your life will be controlled by him . Your quality of life story is going to be prescribe by that man , " she warned . " [ The ] relationship may look a certain way today , but it could be very unlike 10 years from now . It could be very different after you have four of his children . It ’s not deserving the Chanel bags . It ’s not deserving the Cartier bracelets . It ’s not worth the fancy vacation . This is your one life . This is your independence . This is your autonomy . "
“Please just think very long and hard before you enter these contracts. Because the getting out of marriage, going through a divorce, is a fucking grueling process. Coparenting with somebody who is being difficult, who is trying to control you, is an all-consuming process. You need to really understand what you’re signing up for when you do that. This is not something that you do unless you are absolutely sure,” she continued.
“Being single and childless is a fucking flex, okay? It is,” MJ ended. “It’s much better than being in a grueling divorce, being in an unhappy marriage, being controlled by a man, or having to coparent with someone who’s fucking crazy. Please, just take this seriously? Okay?”
Many childfree, single, and formerly married women also validated MJ’s stance. “I’m 58 and childfree. Never regretted it once. NOT. ONCE. I regret BOTH marriages,” someone wrote.
Even married women and people with children agreed with overwhelming support. “As a HAPPILY married woman I can STILL say… you’re not wrong,” one person said. “I’m married (actually love my marriage) but I agree with you. It’s actually dangerous unless the person is yourbest friend, you want to live the same life, they don’t make you have kids, and generous. Otherwise don’t,” another wrote.
Considering the current political climate, where we have a president whobragged about helping overturnRoe v. Wade, was heldliable for sexual abuse, amongst other rollbacks directly affecting decades of progress in women’s equality and bodily autonomy, MJ’s message feels particularly urgent.
“Christian nationalism is making shocking progress toward becoming a mainstream belief due to unregulated social media algorithms. Women need to acknowledge the power and advantages we do have and act accordingly before it’s too late,” she told BuzzFeed.
MJ clarified that her stance is not to shame anyone, but instead to provide a different perspective on common narratives. She said, “I’m very fortunate that people have been able to receive this video with the understanding and nuance it requires. This was never a personal attack on anyone who wants to or chooses to get married.”
" I just need to offer a perspective from someone who encounter it otherwise , and I desire to reassure women that it ’s all right : You ’re not crazy . If you ’re uncertain about wedlock , you ’re making the correct choice by not getting married . That is not and should not be how you determine your value as a human being . "
Well, whether you agree with MJ or not, her perspective reminds us that marriage and motherhood are choices, not obligations. And in a world where politicians demand more children while stripping away the resources to raise them, maybe it’s time we ask: What would society look like if marriage and motherhood weren’t romanticized as the ultimate goal?
