" She say my firm and money should be hers , too , if we ’re truly a squad . "
Gather ‘round everyone, it’s time to dive into my favorite corner of the internet, the subreddit calledAm I the Asshole?This is where Reddit users tell the internet about situations they’re in and ask if they’re the asshole for how they handled it.
Today’s installment involves relationships and money. This story comes from a man who described himself as middle-aged. Hesaid, “I am supposed to be getting married in a few months to my fiancée. We’ve been together for three years, engaged for one, and for most of that time, I genuinely believed we were on the same page about life values and, most importantly, honesty.”
“About a month ago, while we were discussing wedding costs, I brought up a prenup. Not in a cold or controlling way, I just wanted to protect the life I’ve worked hard to build. I was upfront that I’d still be fair and the agreement wouldn’t leave her with nothing. I expected an adult conversation. Instead, she immediately got defensive.”
“She said things like, ‘So you’re already planning for a divorce?’ and ‘I thought we trusted each other.’ I tried to explain it wasn’t about trust, it was about transparency and mutual protection. But she shut it down completely. That’s when red flags started popping up. She became evasive every time money came up, and I started noticing weird things like credit card offers in the mail, a few missed payments on shared expenses she said she’d cover, and lots of ‘I’ll handle it later’ energy.”
“So, I asked directly if she had debt. She admitted it. $92,000 in credit card debt. Not student loans, not a mortgage, credit cards. She said it accumulated over the years from unexpected expenses and a few dumb splurges, but she never told me about any of it until I forced the issue. I was stunned. We’re about to merge lives. This woman was about to legally become my spouse, and she didn’t think I deserved to know she was six figures in the red?”
“I told her this made the prenup non-negotiable for me. I need to protect myself not just emotionally, but financially. I told her I was willing to still move forward, but not without something in writing that protects my premarital assets. She lost it and called me selfish. She said I was turning love into a business deal, and said my house and money should be hers, too, if we’re truly a team.”
“I’m almost certain that she could pay her debts since she is a part partner in her friend’s business but she just refuses to. AITAH for thinking about walking away?”
A LOT of people responded with a resounding NO. “$5,000 or $10,000 is a few dumb splurges, I can’t begin to fathom $92,000 in credit card debt. Not the asshole. You dodged a bullet. She would have destroyed you,” said userIndividual-Spot2700.
“The argument that a prenup is ‘planning for divorce’ is ridiculous because, while, yes, that’s literally true, if you don’t think you’ll ever get divorced, then it won’t ever need to be used anyway, so just sign it and forget it,” said usermeg_em.
“I don’t think the prenup would mean he wouldn’t have worked on her debt with her, but the outright lying about it, refusing to address it, and huffing about it just shows she isn’t mature enough to be in a marriage,” said userDDRaptors.
“If your partner can’t have an open and honest conversation about finances at the beginning of your marriage, how are you going to work together through all the other uncomfortable and serious things that come up in a lifetime?” said userTheUnculturedSwan.
" Like , at a sure dot you ’re pass to have to have frank talks about wellness needs and death planning , and I ca n’t imagine doing that with someone this avoidant and immature ! "
“There are absolutely more skeletons in her closet,” userExcellentCold7354declared.
“Not the asshole. Sorry you had to go through this, it was not a wasted three years. You have learned a valuable lesson. I would have done the exact same thing!” said userStrikingSecretary121.
Many people shared their personal experiences, like userScullysMom77. “I had this conversation with my spouse prior to marriage. It was really important to me, and very easy to be fair. The first stage was financial disclosure, which I realized later is not something everyone does before marriage. Just seeing everything on paper, and knowing what debts and assets each of you brings in, tells you a lot about each other.”
" We did essentially what the original poster was ask for . Whatever debt and assets we had prior to union were ours alone , and we were very just about how future matrimonial assets would be dissever . We sign it , flummox it in a data file storage locker , and have n’t talked about it since . "
“My ex had hidden debt when we married, and I had to help pay it off. I think prenups, along with a full credit report, salaries, and 401(k) for home labor disparities and pregnancy/childbirth, should be mandatory before marriage,” said userNaive-Stable-3581.
" I think a lot of multitude could be saved from uncollectible marriages if they were compulsory . Marriage is the only business contract that profoundly affects your ability to survive and earn , yet due diligence is actively admonish . If you were unite two companies , these would be plain minimum demand . "
“Not the asshole at all. My partner and I both have a solid chunk of debt. We both kept it under wraps for maybe the first four to six months of the relationship, but then slowly started discussing it when we saw our relationship heading somewhere serious. Hiding it completely for three years is insane, and I get the feeling that she was hoping that when you got married, she could force your hand into helping her pay it off. You dodged a huge bullet,” said userlisafightsbutchers.
Quite a few people felt like the original poster’s fiancée was using him, like userstrawhatpirate91. “She definitely saw him as an ATM and a ticket to clear her debt. If she really loved him, she’d want to protect him, too, not use him for his money. This is screaming red flags.”
“Not the asshole. I’m glad you found out before you got married, and I’m more glad you didn’t push on purely because you love her. She clearly showed you she cannot be trusted and finds no fault in lying to you. All she was actually wanting was for you to be liable for her debts and for her to get her hands on your savings so she could keep spending,” userSweet-Interview5620said.
" Without respect , confidence , and love , there can be no marriage , as hard as it is , she could n’t have loved you if she was well-chosen to lie and trap you with her debt . I ’m just glad you make for up the prenup or you might never have come across the Sojourner Truth . "
“If she truly loved him, she would have worked through it with him, taken accountability, and signed the prenup, ultimately growing from the experience. She chose not to grow, and that’s not love,” userNo-Bet1288asserted.
reception have been edited for length / lucidness .
