" Despite all his outrageous , aid - seeking behavior , my son guard his one secret closely . "
The tough tragedy of my life history began with those words , though not for the reasons you might think . When my phone awaken me , I visit it was my 23 - year - previous boy , Kyle , calling from the other side of the country at 4 ante meridiem
As a queer person , I think I had pretty unspoiled gaydar , and I envisage my son and I were close , yet his revelation leave me open - mouthed .
I ’d never had the slightest glimmer Kyle might be gay . He ’d always had crushes on young lady , starting with little Kathy on his favored toddler show , Barney & Friends . He’d pined over lady friend in midway and high school and worried over the phone with me about his relationships with fille in college . Now he was calling me from Seattle , where he ’d moved for love after following a woman from New York . Never once had he show intimate interest in gentleman .
I tried to respond with sensitiveness and sustenance . Yet I could barely muster any affirming Holy Scripture — especially when Kyle give away that when he was 16 , he ’d start arrange online encounters with turn hands who met him in a local green for blowjobs . While I fight back back my repulsion over how incognizant I ’d been that my youthful boy had been meeting with grownup predators , Kyle secern me he was enquire if he might really have been gay — or maybe bi — all his living .
I could not have been more shocked , or so I mean , until the other ground he ’d called became decipherable .
“ I recall maybe I ’ve turned to drugs because I ’ve been afraid to admit I ’m gay , ” he said .
I soon gain Kyle was calling for helper . He ’d been arrested for pot and “ party drugs , ” such as mushrooms and ecstasy , in high school and college , but had seemed to be doing well the anterior two yr . He now fink he ’d “ tried ” crack cocaine and become so uncontrollably addict he ’d spent all his educatee loanword money on the drug and was hole up alone in his apartment , eminent out of his idea after trading away his PlayStation to get more . He was call because he was afraid he was about to start trade in aside his roommates ’ electronics too .
question about his sexuality fell by the roadside . I surmise he ’d only told me about his attraction to men because that felt up easier than announce his dependency to crack .
When I found a rehab that would take him , I cry with rest period , guess all of our problems would now be solve . alternatively his fellow rehab residents recite Kyle about the ultimate high , diacetylmorphine , which Kyle afterward separate me he “ lie with immediately ” he ’d have to try . A supporter from farsighted - condition rehab avail him bourgeon up for the first fourth dimension a year by and by , and he drop the remainder of his too - shortsighted life in and out of rehabs and halfway star sign . He die tragically of an overdose of diacetylmorphine and meth when he was 26 .
Kyle was a poet who wrote love sonnet . He was a attentive natural endowment - bestower who bought the right present . He earned the high grade of any student in his high-pitched school on that year ’s SATs . He did children ’s theater and digest - up comedy . He love to act games and beat me at Scrabble nearly every time . He was an extreme romantic who once filled a auto with balloons for a girl ’s natal day . Yet as Kyle step into his role as a new man , he enlist in ever more reckless deportment .
He told me he did LSD 45 fourth dimension in high-pitched school . When he got his driver ’s license , he drove his automobile 100 miles an hour up and off a hilly road in ordering to “ catch air , ” slamming himself and his best acquaintance into a tree . ( Both son miraculously walked away whole , no doubt increasing their belief in their own invincibility . )
Kyle was not bear a danger taker ; he was diffident and fainthearted as a tot . Yet as he grew up , he repeatedly risked his base hit to prove how toughened he was . A2010 study,“Gender Disparities in Injury Mortality : Consistent , Persistent , and Larger Than You ’d Think , ” explains boys and human are two to three times more potential than female child and women to break down violently and on the spur of the moment by hurt , accident , homicide , suicide and drug overdose .
to boot , aresearch overview compiled by a nonprofit think tankin 2016 found bisexual are more potential to have genial wellness issues , attempt and commit suicide , put up from major depression , and have problem with binge - drinking than either gay or square people .
Bi people may have the most problem with self - acceptance and often are the most lacking in residential district , since they may feel winnow out by both the gay and square communities . Nearly three - fourth part of gay and sapphic people are “ out ” to category and friend , but fewer than a third of bisexual people are , leave them stray and unsupported .
Kyle was a splendid , raw young mankind , yet what he want more than anything was to match in as one of the guys , which led him to engage in ever - more - troubling behaviors . Indeed , he seemed more concerned with impress masses with his machismo than many of his peers . I now wonder if this was at least partly because of his pity over his sexuality ; was he overcompensating to make indisputable no one suspect ?
Despite all his usurious , tending - seeking behavior , my son hold his one enigma closely . While publically dating girls in mellow school day , he was having multiple secret , sexual encounters with grown men , encounters I consider child abuse , but which may have been the only means my son knew to explore his gender without anyone finding out .
Kyle ’s concealment about his sex is even more puzzling because I am queer . I had a girlfriend in high schooltime , then was marital to a man for 20 years and am now matrimonial to a woman . Kyle ’s sister is also queer , an identity Kyle encouraged her to embrace with pride . Our phratry is about as accepting as a family can be , which made it all the more shocking when Kyle come out to me .
Still , he reminded me during that phone call that I ’d idiotically told him and his sister I did n’t believe mencouldbe bisexual , which Kyle explain was why he ’d never discussed his sexuality with me . He fear I ’d insist he was gay , which he did n’t really conceive he was . ( He wound up concluding that Nox that he was in fact bi , not gay , though he found “ bi ” firmly to say . )
My unknowing rejection of my son ’s personal identity is a mistake I have the rest of my life to rue . But a study published inProceedings of the National Academy of Sciencessuggests my incredulity is sadly plebeian . The article begins , “ There has long been skepticism among both scientist and laypersons that manlike epicene orientation exists . skeptic have claimed men who ego - identify as bisexual person are really homosexual or heterosexual . ( The macrocosm of female bisexuality has been less controversial . ) ”
Kyle needed mental health support for the pity society made him palpate about being bisexual as much as he did for his dependance , but we only focused on what seemed like the more life - threaten job , his substance - use disorder . Further , many therapy in rehab are done in groups , and Kyle never mat up well-heeled discussing his sexuality in those hyper - masculine , gender - segregated rooms .
We judge to get Kyle to lecture further about this , but he reject , insisting he was “ mostly square . ” He apprize that I retool my opinion about whether men could be bi , and I told him repeatedly I conceive he could have a happy life as either a straight or gay man . ( I did n’t realize until I was writing this that even in try out to encourage him , I forefend the Word of God bisexual person . )
The think - tankresearch I referenced earliershows both gay and square hoi polloi have a bias against bisexual masses , for whom “ stigma , discrimination , and invisibility … produce serious negative final result . ”
diagonal against epicene man is so high-risk , only 12 % narrate those tightlipped to them they are bi . epicene young person are more likely to be bullied , to fume , to drink , to do drugs , to finger hopeless , to be dispossessed , to have eat disorders , and to be the victims of ferocity and sexual assault than either gay or straight youth . Bisexual adults are more potential to suffer from climate disorders and poor wellness , to have a heart and soul - abuse upset , to be rejected by their mob , and to suffer from depression in their aged year than either braw or straight adult .
Sharing what Kyle kept as his recondite secret feels on the one hand like a treachery of how he wanted to be perceived . But the more I ’ve learned about the hardships confront by bisexual men , specially , the more I ’ve come to believe Kyle ’s ignominy around this aspect of himself may have been a ingredient in his early end . My boy may have been teach by our civilisation to feel ashamed of who he was , but in divvy up his story , I am say I willnotbe ashamed of this part of him any longer .
I ’ll never know how much Kyle ’s smell about his gender contributed to his drug addiction , risk - seeking behaviour or other last by overdose . I bid I could have pay off him to speak to a therapist about his sexuality , and the potentially traumatizing encounters he had with develop military personnel when he was a kid , but I do n’t think he ever did . ( He was an grownup in therapy ; I did n’t have much input . )
I can never unwrap the damage I did by telling him I did n’t believe bisexual men existed . But I hope other parents read this will suppose twice about the messages even purportedly accepting family might be send their tike . I wish well I could go back and tell my son instead that he could live a happy , respectable aliveness as a bisexual man . I implore we can all work together to establish a world where that is true .
Lanette Sweeney ’s collecting , “ What I Should Have say : A Poetry Memoir about lose a tyke to Addiction , ” was put out by Finishing Line Press in 2021 . The book includes poems by her later son and is available wherever books are sell ; ask your local bookstore to enjoin you a transcript . Sweeney lives with her wife and their four , shin bone - high pets in Western Massachusetts .
require help with heart use disorderliness or genial wellness issues ? In the U.S. , call 800 - 662 - assistance ( 4357 ) for theSAMHSA National Helpline . This clause to begin with appeared onHuffPostin April 2025 .
