" My parents unconsciously teach me to assess extraneous proof over everything else and it has been the cause of relentless depression in my grownup life . "
Look, parenting ain’t easy. Trying to guide a human being from infancy all the way into adulthood is a gargantuan task, and you’re not always going to get it right.
Mistakes happen, but some mistakes might have longer-lasting effects than you think, even if they might seem totally harmless.
With this sentiment in mind, Reddit user u/AlexDescendsIntoHellposed this question to ther/AskRedditcommunity:What is a seemingly harmless parenting mistake that will majorly fuck up a child later in life?People’s answers ranged from illuminating, to heartbreaking, to way too damn relatable. Here’s what they had to say:
1.“Any time a child is playing with a child of the opposite gender, and parents respond, ‘Oh who’s your boy/girlfriend?’ That shit completely stopped me from even speaking to girls until damn near high school.”
2.“Discouraging them from asking questions. Yes it can be annoying to keep hearing, ‘But why, daddy/mummy?’ But I’ve met far too many adults who admit they stopped asking questions because as a kid their parents would shut them up or be like, ‘There he/she goes asking questions again.’ Inquisitive minds need to be fostered.”
— uranium / rccrisp
3.“Never showing up for events. I remember my parents didn’t come to most of my chorus concerts. It really sucked to see my classmates’ families cheer them on while my parents were absent. I brought home one of my chorus program papers to show my parents and I found it in the trash the next day. I was sad because I wanted to keep it but seeing it in the trash, I didn’t want it anymore.”
4.“Telling them that the family members who are mean to them or neglect them, love them.”
— u / everybodylovesmemore
5.“Not having them do chores. My parents pushed me to be academic. They doted on me hand and foot as a kid to make more room for study. When you’re too young and stupid to know any better you think it’s a blessing. When I moved out to uni, I didn’t really know how to clean, when to clean, what to clean with, how to wash clothes, how to get them dry, etc. The only thing I could do was cook and binge drink. That’s no way to bring up a kid, and it’s a steep learning curve doing all that stuff for the first time in your early 20s.”
6.“Don’t smother your kids. My mom quit having her own life the moment my brother and I were born. She was an incredibly devoted and loving mother who was very kind to us, but when we were born she stopped having friends, did not work, and was home every single day from when I was born to when I moved out in my early 20s. She was very easy to upset because she had no other source of self esteem and any time I screwed up (and I screwed up a lot) it was as if I had levied a very personal attack against her.”
7.“I found that when my parents teased me about stuff I was clearly uncomfortable with it made me tell them less later in life. I have a good relationship with my parents but I don’t tell them lots about my life because it’s easier if they don’t know/tease about it.”
— u/[deleted ]
8.“Never saying sorry to your kids. My mom only just recently started telling me sorry when she gets worked up. It’s built up such a resentment for her over the years, and I also have trouble saying sorry myself because of it. Tell your kids sorry, especially if you overreact to something they did.”
9.“Not following through with your promises. If you told your child you were buyingice creamtomorrow in the hopes that they’d forget, and the next day when they ask you about it you tell them no, they’ll see you as unreliable.”
— uranium / A_H_Corvus
10.“Saying, ‘I don’t care who started it.’ I grew up with friends whose siblings would target the one with the bad temper, provoke them into a rage, then cry and play victim when they got slapped. In this case, it does matter who started it. A parent has to make it clear that violence isn’t okay, butneither is provoking someone into said violence.”
11.“A seemingly harmless mistake is rewarding your child with something for something they already enjoy. Take, for example, reading. If a child just enjoys reading, let the child read without giving any reward. Once you start rewarding the child for that act, their intrinsic motivation gets replaced. It’s called the overjustification effect.”
— u / BlueVentureatWork
12.“Making finances a taboo subject. Financial illiteracy can be devastating once entering adulthood. Want to keep your children from making your own money mistakes? Don’t be too proud to teach them what those mistakes were. And to clarify, I don’t mean robbing your children of their innocence by putting the weight of your debt on them at an early age. But rather, teaching them how to properly budget their money as they earn it, how to build savings, what credit is, and how to responsibly manage it.”
13.“Don’t just show kids love when they achieve something. They are good as they are and always deserve love. When they achieve something be happy for them, but if they don’t achieve something they aren’t less worthy.”
— [ deleted ]
14.“Not creating a safe space for your kids to tell their secrets and make mistakes. When I was younger, I excitedly confided in my mom about my first boyfriend. But instead of calmly talking me through this, she immediately brought my dad into the conversation and they both yelled at me and forced me to break up with him.”
15.“If you qualify for food stamps, take the fucking food stamps. Do not make your kid live on macaroni and cheese made with water because ‘we don’t take handouts.'”
— u / hahahahthunk
" Pride can be such a dangerous thing . The health , safety and well - being of your children should scoop anyone ’s pride IMO . "
— uranium / Sailor_Chibi
16.“Not stopping when your child says ‘stop.’ Whether it’s teasing, or tickling, or wrestling. Kids who have parents that don’t respect their boundaries always seem to end up being the biggest dicks and bullies because they’ve learned they don’t have to respect other people’s feelings.”
17.“Not giving them a factual and straightforward sex-ed talk. My parents answered my questions truthfully and at an age-appropriate level throughout my childhood, and I am extremely thankful for it. Others around me have clearly not been that lucky.”
— uranium / lulushcaanteater
18.“Giving into your kids wants and desires without upholding discipline and consequences will give your kids a large uphill battle to climb later. I say this because my parents babied me a lot when I was young. I never had to do anything I didn’t want to do. Example: When I started getting bad grades because I wasn’t doing my homework, my parents would have conferences with my teachers so they’d give me extra credit. I had a rude awakening in college when I realized how hard life is.”
19.“Treating crying as if it’s something only weak people do. My dad, in particular, used to yell at me for crying, which only made me cry more, which made him yell more, and — you get the point. In high school, I tried to bring up the possibility that I had anxiety problems and that I’d spoken to the school counselor about it. He told me I was just a drama queen. I can’t express that I’m anxious or stressed around my dad because ‘others have it worse.’ Even now, at 21, I think I’d rather die than tell my dad I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist and discussing the possibility of me having OCD because he’d get so mad at me for being weak.”
— u / potatobug25
20.“Making them give physical affection when they don’t want to. If Uncle Bob makes them uncomfortable, don’t make them hug him. If Aunt Karen freaks them out, don’t make them give her a kiss. Of course, it’s important that they be kind, but don’t teach them that the feelings of others are more important than their bodily autonomy.”
21.“Constant remarks about the child’s body. Like telling them they need to lose/gain weight or making any comment about their body type. It goes for everyone in the family. Do not do that. Unless you want your child to develop an ED later on in life.”
22.“My parents unconsciously taught me to value external validation over everything else and it has been the cause of persistent depression in my adult life.
" Examples that seem innocent : praise in force grades and stress pedantic achievement . Being extraordinarily pleased when people enounce adept things about me to them . boost me to apply for awards and erudition and then being exceedingly majestic and self-aggrandizing to others about how astonishing I was . Tacking up newspaper articles about me , credential , etc . , all over the house . write Christmas letters that were basically a laundry list of all my accomplishments . Telling me that I could do anything I wanted to or be anything I wanted , that I was exceptional . All this taught me that I am only deserving what I can do . It has taught me that I am only as valuable as others deem me to be . Outwardly , I appear poise , accomplished , and successful . Inwardly , I have an exceedingly down , nigh non - existent mother wit of self - worth . I forever push myself to do more , accomplish more , and clear more accolades . I cut out and have panic blast . I find numb inside . I do n’t know who I am or what I in reality enjoy because I ’ve been neaten only to do what others need of me . I am almost 40 and basically completely recede . "
— u / Bluesiderug
