" At first , I believe it was a kind gesture … Now I realise he want total control over my schedule . "
Unfortunately, it can be very easy to find oneself in an unhealthy relationship. A partner’s traits or habits that seem positive early on can often turn into negative and downright toxic behaviors. While it might be easy to overlook these “red flags,” initially, there is often a final straw that will end the relationship, leading a person to question just how much their significant other was dictating their life…
That’s why when ther/AskWomencommunity was asked, “At what moment did you realize: ‘This isn’t love, this is control?” Women bravely shared stories of the exact moments they realized the power dynamics of their relationship were TOXIC. Here are 19 of their most enlightening responses:
2.“When I started going to therapy and taking medication, he said, ‘What if you feel better and you don’t love me anymore?’ I thought ‘You mean what if I’m finally healthier?’ He would go from ‘You’re toxic and this relationship isn’t healthy’ to ‘Oh no, please don’t get well because then I’ll be the sick one and you’ll stop putting up with my sh*t.'”
" We broke up three months later , but should have ended things years prior . As high school sweethearts for a ten , we had become codependent and afraid of dating again .
I had been tell myself , ' No one else will have it off me the same ! No one else will fuck all the big parts of me . ' small did I know , many of those bad part originate to die off when I was lastly allowed to grow . "
— u / TeishAH
3.“We had been seeing each other for nearly a year when we began to talk about meeting each other’s parents/families. He knew my family was abusive and that I never wanted to introduce a partner to them.”
" Yet , he pass a whole Clarence Shepard Day Jr. trying to convert me that my family relationship with my family unit could be repaired and that I was n’t serious aboutourrelationship if I did n’t want him to meet them . I stayed awake that entire night , try out to think of every possible scenario that could take place if I introduced him to them .
When he woke up the next morning , I severalize him I had forecast out a plan that might work . He replied that he had only been joking and mocked me for taking him seriously . He was also mad at me for stressing about it and lose sleep , which intend I was too threadbare to cook / clean for him that day . "
— u / frozzyfroz0404
4.“When I realized the only way our relationship was peaceful was if I got rid of everyone in my life. He hated my female friends, my male friends, my family, my coworkers, and even the people I sat next to in school in a classroom setting or on a bus.”
5.“When ‘Text me when you get there so I know you’re safe’ turned into ‘I know you’re with your friends, but show me your pretty face.'”
" It eventually became , ' Text me a picture of the restaurant ’s salt shaker and you holding up three fingers right now . ' "
— u / bubblebeegum
6.“I had to be careful not to show any sentimental attachment to my belongings because if he knew I liked something, he would break it in a rage, so I wouldn’t have it anymore.”
" He tried to get me to take him back once by saying he was dark and that he only break hooey when he become mad because he ' ca n’t serve it . '
I asked him , ' How come you never separate your own clobber ? ' "
— u / Annjenette
7.“I realized it years after my partner and I had broken up. I was reading a book or watching something, and everyone was talking about the character being abused. I remember thinking, ‘No, she isn’t. That happened to me.'”
8.“It clicked when I realized I was constantly scared to disappoint my partner. I felt like I couldn’t do normal things without worrying how they would react, whether it was texting friends, wearing something they didn’t like, or having my own opinion. It wasn’t love, it was control dressed up as ‘care.'”
" They ’d say it ’s because they know me , but it always came with guilt or silent handling if I did n’t do what they want . That ’s when I realized love does n’t make you experience small or scared .
material love does n’t come with condition . "
— uranium / PiifulSalt
9.“When I told him I wanted a divorce, he said I couldn’t make that decision on my own because I wasn’t qualified and couldn’t change all of our lives just because I wanted to, so I had to see a couple’s therapist with him. Mind you, I had begged him for years to go to couples therapy with me, but he had refused. Even though I told him I wasn’t going, he made us an appointment and kept CC’ing me on passive-aggressive emails to the therapist.”
" I ’m so glad I stand my earth and refused to go . I started seeing my own therapist and learned about office , control , and worked up maltreatment .
My life-time is so much better than it was before . "
— u / provender - me - taco
10.“It was our anniversary and I traveled two hours to see him so we could spend it together.”
11.“This is going to age me, but I found him using my AIM account to message my best friend stuff like: ‘You are such a b*tch for dumping Justin.’ He’d always hated her and saw an opportunity to end our friendship.”
— uranium / indicatprincess
12.“When my ex mentioned that I, a college first-year who was taking 19 hours of classes, needed to be financially independent from my family (despite them not financially supporting me in the first place). He suggested we get a credit card and bank account together. Eventually, I put the pieces together and realized he wanted to track where I was and how I spent money.”
" look back , things had take a downswing long before that . He always insisted on dropping me off at / picking me up from my form . Every . exclusive . Day . At first , I thought it was a kind motion , so I did n’t have to trek up the Hill on campus . Now I substantiate he wanted entire command over my schedule , include when and where I went .
And these are just the subtle things . "
— atomic number 92 / Cashew_Albacore
13.“We were both 22 and decided to move across the country together. It started out fine — he did everything I wanted.”
14.“He promised me I could go to the mall with a friend to buy some new makeup. But two days later, the makeuphe’dchosen for me showed up in the mail.”
" Then , when I mentioned how much it bothered me , he squall at me for being unthankful — all while I was laid up in bottom with an combat injury . "
— u/8MCM1
15.“When he wanted me, at 30 years old, to tattoo his name on my hand because when I was 19, my ex-girlfriend and I got each other’s initials tattooed.”
" The fact I had a life before him became a monumental problem because he had to know every single item about it , even though it was perfectly ' okay ' he had a past and did n’t tell me much about it .
Everything I told him became a arm to control me in competitiveness . "
— uracil / GrumpyPanda29
16.“Thankfully, my ex-partner showed himself dramatically and early. After seven months of dating, we were with a group of friends when I mentioned a local protest. He got SO hung up on one detail I didn’t know, he lost it.”
17.“I wasn’t allowed to be suspicious of him or his behavior, even after he proved he was perfectly okay with lying to me.”
" I was hypothesize to be able-bodied to talk about my tactual sensation as part of healing from his lies , but when I would assure him I felt like he was keep something from me , he ’d get angry , glare , and yell .
For some reason , I ' woke up ' the last meter he did it . While I was call out in my safe spot in the house , I actualize how toxic our human relationship was .
There ’s more , but I try not to call back about it . "
— [ delete ]
" He always act like I did n’t mean anything to him , so I fail from being unassailable to an inviolable mess . After extend out for drinks with a friend , I returned to his place a lilliputian late , so he ignored me to the stop I burst into tears .
It was puzzling because I felt he would n’t deal if I was there or not in worldwide , but he was still trying to guilt me for being late .
I ’m mostly over it , but I sometimes feel an unresolved surge of anger towards him . I ’m happy I eventually settle to leave him , and I never looked back . "
— uracil / Individual_Heart_399
19.“When we first moved into our apartment, I had a habit of locking the deadbolt when I was home alone, just for security. But one day, my partner came home from work and couldn’t open the door, so he knocked and I let him in. Afterward, he asked if I could stop locking the deadbolt when he was out.”
“The difference between his request and mine was striking. I listened, understood, and changed when he asked me to stop, yet I was met with defensiveness, condescension, and dismissal when I asked him to do the same thing. Suddenly, it wasn’t about the inconvenience or the practical reason he’d originally offered. It was about how unnecessary my concern was, how dramatic I must be to even bring it up.”
" At boldness value , it ’s just a lock . But in that moment , it became something else entirely . The deadbolt represented autonomy , a sentience of safety , and a boundary , so when I agree to stop using it for his comfort , I was being ' considerate . ' When I realise the Sojourner Truth , I could see our family relationship for what it rightfully was ! "
— u / beelovedone
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger as a result of domestic violence, call 911. For anonymous, confidential help, you can call the 24/7National Domestic Violence Hotlineat 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or chat with an advocate via the website.
TheNational Alliance on Mental Illnesshelpline is 1-800-950-6264 (NAMI) and provides information and referral services;GoodTherapy.orgis an association of mental health professionals from more than 25 countries who support efforts to reduce harm in therapy.
mention : Some response have been edited for length and/or clarity .
