Look , not all of us are , like — what ’s the word ? — oh yeah … bright .
Look, not all of us are, like — what’s the word? — oh yeah…smart. We were there when God handed out the brains, but we got, like, not working good brains. But that’s oh kay cuz there is lots of us with the not working good brains.
Over on Reddit’sr/StoriesAboutKevin, they got lots of stories about people with not so good brains. They call them Kevins for osme reason. That makes no sense to me! Every Kevin I know has good brains! Man, am I tired from all dis typing. Oh kay, here are their stories:
1.“I work for a guy whose 15-year-old stepson is the most Kevin person I’ve ever met. Now, I’ve known some dumb teenagers in my time. Hell, I used to be one. But this kid is just on another level. Two examples: 1. He licked a lit match because he thought fire would taste like a Flamin' Hot Cheeto; 2. He once dropped a bowl of cereal and milk, and rather than clean the mess with a towel, he soaked up the spill with his sock. A sock that was still on his foot. He then put on his shoes, went out to catch the bus, and went to school with a soaking wet milk sock. Later that day, he went to the school nurse because he was convinced that his foot was bleeding and soaking through his sock.”
— legomaniac89
2.“I used to work part-time at a phone repair shop, and one day Kevin walked in looking like someone just told him the Earth was flat. He plopped a melted Samsung on the counter and said, ‘I think my antivirus didn’t work.’ I ask what happened. He says he was browsing some shady website, clicked a link, and his phone ‘started acting possessed.’ Classic malware. I nod and tell him I can probably help if he didn’t do anything drastic. Then he goes, ‘Yeah, so I microwaved it for, like, 40 seconds to kill the virus. Like how hospitals sanitize stuff.’ I just blinked. My coworker choked on her water. This man cooked his phone like a Hot Pocket because he thought heat would kill malware. And the best part? He wanted to claim it under WARRANTY.”
— Some - Hawk6061
3.“A client called our grooming shop for the price of a bath and nails. I asked her what kind of dog it was. She said, ‘I don’t know what it is now, but when it grows up, it’s going to be a black lab.’ I was dumbfounded, literally. I asked her how old it was, and she said it was three months, so I’m thinking maybe 20 lbs max, so I told her maybe $20–$25. Swear to God, the lady brings ‘Red’ in, and he is a POMERANIAN, a POM. I said, sorry, but this is a Pomeranian, and she told me, ‘Well, I know it’s going to be a black lab because I have papers at home.’ I pulled up pictures of labs and Poms on the computer, but I still think she believes it will be a black lab. I’m going home to drink wine.”
— WeAreDestroyers
4.“One of the stupidest people I’ve ever met was a 26-year-old male who turned up to work for me an hour and a half late the first day. He was brought in by his mum, which I thought was kind of odd for a grown man. I let that slide, but then things just got worse. It was a small roadside cafe/eatery, so I thought I’d ease him into the way of the place with some small duties. I asked him to put new toilet paper in the toilets — a minute or so later, I heard him yelling, ‘It won’t fit on the toilet roll holder!’ I’m like what? That’s a pretty simple thing. I tell him to bring it to me so I can show him — he’s carrying a roll of paper towels; it’s almost three times the length of the toilet paper holder.”
" ' Kevin , ' I say , ' Those are paper towel . '
' No , they ’re not . '
' Have you ever seen toilet newspaper that big in your life ? '
' Uh … no . '
' moreover , can you not see that this monolithic roll could n’t perhaps fit on this little bar ? '
' Yeah , I thought that was left over . '
Oh boy . Later , I ’ve fuck off him serving pastries when a customer tell three scones with jamming and cream . He ’s behind the heel counter doing his thing and I have a small peep and see that he ’s reduce them in half and contend to put jam and cream on them . About a minute afterwards , the customer brought the scone back up to the retort .
' There ’s something really hard in these scones . I bit down , and it was like crunching on a rock-and-roll or something . '
Of course , I was puzzled , but I said , ' I ’m really no-good about that , ' when Kevin trend in and state , ' It ’s in all probability just the seeds in the jam . '
Something about the way he said this made my alarm bells ring . I marched to the prep workbench where there was a bowl of whipped emollient , and next to it , in a plastic bag , a broken crank jar that contained the jam . The motherfucker was feeding the client broken deoxyephedrine .
' I did n’t think it would be a large softwood , ' he pronounce .
' Are you FUCKING mad ? ! '
I grabbed the plate of mostly uneaten glass - tincture scone and said . ' How is anyone supposed to eat this ? '
To my everlasting amazement , he proceeded to run through THEM in front of me , crunching on glass and flinching every time he did . I ’m paralyze , dumbfounded .
When he finished eating them , he enounce , ' Do you think I should go to the hospital ? '
I said , ' You ’re give the axe . ' "
— LazerMoonCentaur
5.“My friend told his wife about an article he read about people in Siberia digging up frozen mammoth tusks and selling them. Her: ‘That’s terrible!’ Him: ‘Why is it terrible?’ Her: ‘They’ll sell all the frozen ones, and then people will start killing mammoths for their tusks, and pretty soon they’ll all be extinct!'”
— Solo954
6.“I used to work in emergency medicine. Obviously, the emergency department sees many people who’ve had moments of foolishness that have caused them suffering. To err is human. I would not mock such victims of mere mortal frailty. Kevin was special. Kevin arrived by car, bloodied and battered. Kevin had fallen off a ladder. Since coming to get checked out was very sensible, it’s not surprising that someone else insisted. Kevin was carefully checked over, his scrapes treated, and his bones imaged. Kevin was sent home. An hour later, Kevin was back, looking rather worse for wear. The staff, concerned, questioned him closely as to what had happened this time. Kevin had fallen off the ladder again. Kevin’s friend had insisted that Kevin rest rather than climb the ladder again, so Kevin was determined to prove he was perfectly fine to go up the ladder. Kevin was not fine.”
" Kevin had a rick articulatio radiocarpea and more bruises . Kevin was released and enjoin his champion they were correct and that he should rest .
Kevin was back an hr later .
Kevin had reluctantly concede that he should n’t go up the ravel again .
Kevin had propped a wooden control board on the wall so that it made a sort of gangplank . Kevin tried to take the air up the gangway . Kevin descend off . Kevin broke his subdivision .
It was dark out of doors by the time Kevin was release .
Kevin was back two hours after .
Kevin had gone to the pub and begun regaling the assembled with the story of his adventures , then argued with another pubgoer about the gangboard . Specifically on the subject of whether it could have held his weight at all had he live further up .
Kevin had set out to leaven the resilience of his board .
Kevin climbed the plank again .
In the dark .
After four Australian beers .
The plank snapped .
Kevin broke his ankle .
Kevin was put on hold until a variety professional could come and evaluate whether he should be set aside out on his own .
Worryingly , the answer was yes . "
— Emergency - Twist7136
7.“My husband owns a small plumbing business and participates in a job-readiness program with the local high school. This semester, he got a Kevin. One of Kevin’s biggest jobs is to answer the phone. On his first day, he was instructed to pick up and say, ‘Custom Quality Plumbing, don’t forget to ask about our seasonal maintenance deal specials, how can we help you today?’ Instead, he answered the business phone, ‘Kevin residence, who’s calling, please?’ When confronted, he explained that he had forgotten the greeting and that this was how his mother had taught him to answer phones.”
' On his first twenty-four hours of work , my husband did the received welcome he does for all newfangled employee ; he get in donut and pile up everyone around to meet the unexampled guy . When asked to say a few words about himself , he say , ' I chose this task because all the good 1 were claim , ' and when asked what he recognise about plumbing , he tell a elaborated story of a toilet - clogging dump he took a few months ago .
My husband took him to a job site to get a feel for interacting with customers and canonical fixture . Kevin need the client if he could take home a frame photo of the node ’s teenaged daughter hanging on the living elbow room .
For the first duet of weeks , Kevin kept stealing lunches from the break room and denying he had done it when the other employee called him on it ( it ’s a small line , and obvious when someone has your solid food ) .
The first day he brought his own lunch , he brought a pound of raw chuck and complained of an unsuitable work environment when my husband told him there was nowhere to grill it at the store . He ate it raw . He got macabre and had to go to the infirmary .
Kevin approached a with child tattooed Black employee at the business concern ( who is actually a church pastor , an dependency counselor , and a volunteer sheriff ) and tried to buy drug from him .
To impress a girl , Kevin volunteer to find out her dogs . While form . I do n’t know why she asked a unknown to watch her dogs , but after 15 minutes , Kevin got tired of wait for her and rent the dogs loose . ( She got them back . )
It all made sense when we met Kevin ’s female parent , who came in and confronted my husband about why Kevin was n’t being paid for his work . He explain that it was a for - credit program through the high schooling ( mean Kevin might ’ve intentionally misled his female parent ) , but no matter how he explained it , she did n’t get it and kept take a firm stand he give Kevin .
Kevin turned 18 last month . He celebrate by getting a ' Calvin pissing ' tattoo over his left peck , with his teat serving as the penis . We know because he express an contagion on the site to a young family who ’d fare in as client . "
— ligamentary
8.“When I was in high school, some of the jocks decided that Home Economics would be an easy A. One of the jocks was an absolute Kevin. So, the Home Ec class was learning how to use sewing machines. Kevin was sewing merrily away, with his thumb sticking out perpendicular to his left hand, putting it on trajectory toward the needle. Not surprisingly, he ran his thumb through the feed dogs and punctured it several times. He called out to the teacher for help. She came over and asked, ‘What did you do?’ Kevin replied, ‘I did this,’ and proceeded to repeat his actions, including going through the feed dogs and getting additional puncture wounds to his thumb.”
— Quiltrebel
9.“Sage started dating Kevin about two years before this incident. Things seemed to be going all right between them. She told me he was a bit of a derp and sometimes incredibly oblivious. He couldn’t pick up subtle cues, and even suggestions flew over his head with about a mile of airspace between his skull and the suggestion. She initially chalked it up to him being on the autism spectrum, as she has a few other friends who have similar problems picking up cues. So she switched her behavior from ‘talking to neurotypical’ to ‘talking to neurodivergent,’ and the bumps smoothed out for a while. Then the talk of taking the relationship seriously came up. Marriage. Becoming a family. And that’s when the plane hit the mountain with a cartoonish bang. Kevin said he wanted to DNA test Sage’s kids to ensure they were his. The kids were 5 and 3 when Sage and Kevin started dating.”
" Sage pronounce she had to make out to a full plosive speech sound in the conversation for several second while her brain rebooted .
salvia : ' They ’re NOT your kids . You cognise they ’re not . My ex-husband - husband and I had them together before I ever met you . '
Kevin : ' Yeah , and now that we ’re getting get hitched with , they ’ll become mine . I just need to DNA test them to be certain of it . '
Sage : ' Let me see if I understand this … Do you ….. do you in reality think my children ’s DNA will ….. change … to become biologically yours when you dramatize them ? '
Kevin : ' Obviously . I just need the confirmation on paper is all . '
There was a long conversation about how DNA did n’t work that way , with his rebuttal that adopting them would make them BECOME his . Then , there had to be a conversation that becoming his tyke would only go on on newspaper and in the effectual system . That no , the children would NOT magically transform into his biologic tyke once the paperwork was fill up out . He insisted that EVERYBODY say the Kid became theirs once acceptation happen . She explained the concept that ' adopt nipper are loved just as much as if they were biological , ' and that was what that meant . He insist that everything guide to kid BECOMING ' theirs . '
His mum eventually had to become knotty to back Sage up . His pa had to become involved to back Sage up . A few books had to get involve to back Sage up . Kevin was furious ! He could n’t interpret why people would EVER adopt a youngster if the Kyd did n’t ' become ' the actual biologic child of the people who took them in . How stupid and selfish it was for kids to keep the DNA of the sperm / egg donor ! How could any small fry who wanted to be take on REFUSE to exchange one minuscule thing so they could have parent ? ! ' deoxyribonucleic acid does n’t work that way ' is a bullshit excuse !
He rave . He rave , and properly in front of his parent , he told her that if her kids were n’t move to become his kids , the married couple would n’t materialise . He told her that he would give them all a week to change their minds and hold to be his biologic kids . He said WHEN they hold back being selfish , and WHEN the DNA trial show it , he would take the tyke in .
Sage : ' And that ’s how the relationship ended . '
Me : ' Uhhhh , hold back , hang on , was he just looking for an excuse to check it off ? Did he just get cold fundament or want to date around some more or …. ? '
Sage : ' Nope . He is just that stupid . His mom called me on the sly and very gently suggested that I break dance it off with Kevin because no matter how much she and his dad let the cat out of the bag to him , he ’s inexorable about it . He ’s even say that he will NEVER go out a woman with youngster from here on out unless they agree to change their DNA to become his if the relationship becomes serious . '
So Sage is individual again , having dodged a tactical nuke . God help everyone if he ever breeds . "
— Alkuna
10.“I may have married a Kevin. He initially doesn’t strike you as a Kevin, because he had a very successful career working for a government alphabet agency. But once he gets a notion in his head, you cannot remove it with dynamite. If his mother or his teacher, Sister Mary Godzilla, told him something 50+ years ago, then that was Revealed Truth and could not be changed. Sister MG told him men have one less rib than women. It has to be that way because God took Adam’s rib to make Eve. I had to show him side-by-side images of male and female skeletons in a medical encyclopedia and make him count the ribs before he believed Sister may have been mistaken.”
" He also seems to have come up with a whole gang of poppycock all on his own :
— There ca n’t be a volcano under Yellowstone Park because they would n’t be dull enough to put a internal park on top of a vent .
— Vaginas are just inside - out penises , so a woman who is using a tampon has to get rid of it to pee .
— When you combust a candle , only the wick Nathan Birnbaum ; the wax just run down the side of the candle holder . He had no account as to what happens to the wax in a jounce standard candle .
— core is not the muscle tissue of animals but something else called the pulp . He did not explain where the muscles go if meat is this mysterious ' flesh . '
Sometimes , he has to visualize things out for himself . My daddy would say , ' you may say ‘em and differentiate ‘em , but some folks have just got ta wee on the electric fencing for themselves . ' "
— TheFilthyDIL
11.“My husband’s ex wondered why planes and helicopters didn’t crash into the moon.”
— loobylibby
12.“Kevin wanted to ‘grow his own fruit’ because he saw a TikTok about ‘living off the land.’ Respectable…until he pulled up to our local community garden with a bowl of chopped fruit. No seeds. No whole fruit. Just literal fruit salad. Mangos, bananas, grapes, and a strawberry or two diced, marinated, and probably taken from a hotel breakfast bar. He dug little holes and carefully spooned fruit chunks into the soil. Like he was planting flowers. He even watered them with pineapple juice because ‘they’ll grow faster if you feed them what they like.’ We tried to tell him that’s not how fruit works, but he insisted it would ’re-form in the dirt’ and ‘find itself again through nature.’ Bro thought fruit had a respawn point. He came back two weeks later, mad nothing sprouted, and blamed the ‘vibe of the soil.'”
— Sharp_Pin_1963
13.“My sister used to work with a lady who was a total Kevina. One day, she called out from work because she was in the hospital, on IV fluids, from dehydration and heat exhaustion. After returning to work, my sister asked her how she got so dehydrated. Poor Kevina had no idea, although I’m certain they tried hard to explain it to her at the hospital.”
" Their conversation went something like this :
baby : ' What happened ? How did you get so dehydrated ? '
Kevina : ' I do n’t get laid ! I was just swimming . '
Sister : ' Were you drinking water ? '
Kevina : ' Not really . But I was swimming ! '
Sister : ' Uh , ok ? You were n’t drink anything , though ? Like all day ? It was almost a hundred level ! '
Kevina : ' Yeah , but I was in the water , so I was n’t hot . And you ca n’t get dehydrated when you are in piddle . '
No amount of explanation could convert Kevina that she could , and did , get dehydrated while swim because she did n’t booze any fluids for 60 minutes on an fantastically red-hot day . "
— the - power - of - a - name
14.“In the early ’90s, I knew this kid (15) whose mom asked him to vacuum the house while she was at work. Kevin didn’t want to — he just wanted to sit in his room, smoke pot, and listen to music — so he hatched a brilliant plan to get out of vacuuming. He knew the vacuum left lines in the carpet when run over it, so, without plugging in the machine, he ran it over the house’s carpet so that it would leave the lines. Voila! Kevin got out of his vacuuming chore!”
— SweaterUndulations
15.“One night, I got to meet this girl who my friends said was a perfect description of a ‘Kevina.’ We were eating some fast food (burgers and fries) when she asked, ‘I really wonder what fries are made of? Flour?'”
— a_dozen_of_eggs
